We watched “Borderlands” – fanfiction for children based on cult games

You have been asleep for 8 years, 11 months and 19 days. It is normal to feel a little bewildered by what is happening around you. Further ahead is Pandora, but not the one that has captured the imagination for years, but the movie version. Are you a fan of the cult Borderlands games, from the first part to The Pre-Sequel? Thanks to the cryosleep capsule, you did not notice how time passed and woke up immediately on the day of the premiere.

What could be better than getting together with friends with whom you recently played these wonderful games? And as one big team they go to the cinema to see their favorite characters on the big screen. What if you recognize yourself in their behavior? Some people fight in hand-to-hand combat on the front line, some sit in the back and sneak and steal fragments, some are more used to using skills, and some like to loot boxes!

Masses of gangs, underbosses and bosses fill the screen, and then the real chaos begins: rivers of blood everywhere, mutilations in all directions, some enemies are on fire, someone is affected by acid, and someone’s soul is torn out by the magic of Edoran crystals. A truly chilling action game, just as Borderlands fans love it. Time to enjoy the madness!

However, nothing is mentioned in “Borderlands” – the film turned out to be aimed at children. All that crazy drive that fans were waiting for was replaced by something teenage and safe. It’s like sitting on the lap of a big teddy bear, which gently hugs you and shows you “someone getting shot.” Here you could say that the PG-13 rating seemed to give a hint, but everything was worse than it seemed before it went to theaters: violence, humor, dialogue, and even the characters’ clothing were severely censored.

For over an hour and a half, there is not a single hair-raising action scene, and there is no feeling that you are in that same world of chaos, “the worst planet in the universe” that you have ever fallen in love with in the game. Moments of “cruelty” and “forbidden” happen close by, around you, but stubbornly refuse to be captured. They shoot in such a way that you don’t even understand it – not a drop of blood, not a wound, even hitting the target feels as soft as a pillow on a couch. And when someone starts hitting in hand-to-hand combat, like Psycho with his mace, they only show the impact of the blows.

Already 15 minutes after you start watching, you understand that the film “Borderlands” is a soulless production development, devoid of any creative thought and even the slightest deviation from the general line of the film studio. The film was intended to appeal to everyone, but its production clearly did not count on fans of the original franchise. Thus, borrowings from games are kept to a minimum here.

In addition to Pandora and the familiar Vault, fans will be able to see the metropolitan planet Promethea, where the headquarters of the Atlas company is located (the head, by the way, is the main antagonist of the film). The CGI artists were given a brand book with typical Borderlands locations, buildings, enemies and their appearance, as well as vehicles. You can see the markings of the companies Hyperion, Dahl and Marcus. At one point they even mentioned the name of the game weapon. And that’s probably all.

Gameplay mechanics that were successfully integrated into the film? Forget about it. For example, let’s take the weapons that the characters constantly shoot. In the film, it’s just a “bang-bang”, bang-bang and nothing more. In the games, the “trunks” had unique characteristics – for example, Tediore, which, instead of reloading, was thrown away and turned into a grenade that exploded at the feet of enemies, and then a new one appeared in the character’s hands. Even shields, so important in the game, are completely ignored in the film, and the characters carelessly run around for bullets. Loot boxes for vital items? There is no such thing here either.

Using the great “voice-over” technique, the screenwriters quickly explain this Pandora at the beginning of the film. Later, a number of new elements are introduced, which are explained just as superficially in dialogues, without affecting the knowledge of the game. Instead, a simple pattern is used: “there is A; A is good” or “A is bad.” Everything is made for the viewer who vaguely remembers the existence of the Borderlands series, or was attracted by bright posters with eccentric characters. And, judging by the empty hall in the cinema, the promotional campaign really went by and the authors did not even count on success.

You probably already guessed that the plot of Borderlands is simple and predictable. This in itself is not necessarily a bad thing; good films can be based on a simple story. But Borderlands is not one of them. For adult game fans, there is essentially nothing to see here. All the main events and the ending are known in advance. If you are not a fan of the series, but just love quality cinema, then you will be even more disappointed: the film does not even meet the minimum standards. Events happen unexpectedly and inexplicably: heroes who have just shot at each other suddenly decide to act together without any compelling reason, motivation or reason. A few random remarks – and the whole team is already rushing to the next task.

Even in the latest Deadpool, a significant portion of the game’s running time is spent convincing Wolverine to join the mission. See, even! In Borderlands, everything happens with the snap of a finger: someone says something, and everyone is already in agreement. Not to mention that the script is literally stuffed with “pianos in the bushes” that appear out of nowhere at the slightest hint of trouble.

The characters that had a background and some backstory in the game are reduced to simple clichés and described in a few words: Lilith is a savior and an empath, Roland is a fighter and a tactician, Patricia is a researcher and a philosopher, Claptrap is an idiot comedian who can’t come up with funny jokes (all the “funny” ones you saw in the trailers), Krieg is a crazy psychopath. Tina is especially annoying: this capricious baby, who demands all the attention of adults, while she is already so healthy. She takes up a lot of screen time, although her role in the plot is completely unjustified.

The film is over an hour and a half long, but during this time the writers could not reveal the six main characters, nor show their normal knowledge, nor develop the theme of unity. Even the theme of aliens and saving the world is presented dully and without creativity. The conflict with the main villain – another caricatured white man who wants to take over the world – feels forced and superficial.

As for the “non-standard personalities” that make up the team, they are racially and gender-matched according to all modern canons: women occupy key positions, one harmless robot, and two men (one black and one white) wearing masks because of their toxic masculinity). They are the ones who must stop the villain and expose his “treacherous plans.”

The overall storyline and dialogue between the characters are disappointing in their primitiveness, as if designed for an audience of elementary school age. The production is also indignant, split into separate episodes that simply replace each other. The first 20 minutes are spent getting to know the characters, then they unite, hide from pursuit in the vault, after which the viewer is told something about the world. Then the action moves to a new location, where an unimpressive action sequence takes place, then a short rest scene, and now the final battle with the boss.

The finale takes place in a gloomy canyon, littered with tunnels, where most of the enemies are dumped to minimize violence. Lilith unexpectedly manifests her siren powers, defeats the boss, and the film ends. The staging of the fight scenes resembles a mixture of acrobatics, parkour, and shooting, turning the action into a meaningless mess. Often the action takes place in dark dungeons and catacombs, where details are simply lost in the darkness.

The Borderlands movie could be the rare case where a video game adaptation surprises and amazes. But despite the presence of big-name actors like Cate Blanchett and Jamie Lee Curtis, the filmmakers at Lionsgate were unable to push the story and direction beyond the clichés that are typical of video game adaptations, turning the journey to Pandora into a thoroughly disappointing film. The combat is dull and doesn’t feel like part of Borderlands. The screenwriters’ attempts at humor and jokes fail to maintain interest throughout the film. The result: another failed video game adaptation to the big screen, and a game series ruined by Hollywood rip-offs.