Zinaida Lobanova It’s time to let go of the parental reins 10/03/2023, 11:26

Surprisingly, high schools still hold parent-teacher conferences. And there, in addition to discussing the OGE and the Unified State Exam, I suddenly heard something unexpected about the syllabus and the design of research papers. It was deja vu. It was like I was suddenly teleported somewhere nine years ago and my daughter had just started school. I couldn’t believe that parents who got rid of acorn picking, world-famous costumes, and bean sprouts in sixth grade still had control over the curriculum. So that there is no doubt, some parents began to ask questions: is it necessary to buy a slide rule and what kind of calculator can “our children” use?

I naively thought that in graduation classes “our children” have already coped with basic educational problems on their own and parents only need to pay for teachers and graduation. To come to school and listen to their children smoking in the toilet – this is a classic and we respect the classics.

Numerous modern films and shows tirelessly show us pregnant schoolgirls recording alcohol in apartments when the participants are 13-14 years old. The entire video industry of recent years has been built on this, starting with Gaius Germanika’s “School”. However, it turned out that there were such “protected areas” in the curriculum of the 11th grade that parents were interested in. Maybe they even check if kids get shifts. It seemed strange to me, but it seemed very cute until I took a closer look at this phenomenon.

When children are young, parents often associate themselves and their children by saying “we.” Easier, faster and clearer. At the level of psychology and the reptilian brain, this is a little chick being protected by a big bird. “We went to the playground” means “I will be there, I will support you, and no one will hurt you.”

However, the child grows up and separation occurs. Now he can go to his friends in the garden alone, but now he smokes alone behind the garages. But some parents still say “we” – we chose a club, we are taking the Unified State Exam.

I said to this man, “We pooped.”

He broke my daughter’s leg in high school. I took him to school on crutches and helped him change his shoes. And every morning, mothers, fathers and grandmothers blindly bow down to 3-4 hours. I watched students in classrooms tie their shoes.

I looked at them: what are you doing? Why are you doing this?

And they looked at me: what’s the matter? What surprises you?

It seemed strange to me that 10-year-old children were being breastfed there. Then for the first time I saw people confusing the concepts of “care” and “control”, mistaking one for the other.

They decide where their children will be admitted under the worry of “we pooped”. All of this is covered under the curtain of “what can the 18-year-old decide?” Of course, it’s okay if you’re still barely lacing your shoes.

One day my daughter and I came to an Open Day. The teachers communicated very friendly and explained the admission conditions. I remember in one of the fields I had to score 403 points. I quietly ask: “What is the score on the Unified State Exam?”

And then all the mothers stare at me! And so judgmental. For example, how could you not know!

The teacher says:
— You must pass 4 exams worth 100 points.

I was confused and said:
– Where can I buy three more?

And then everyone started looking at my daughter with pity. Poor thing, how can you live with such a mother?

Every September, there is a huge parental outcry on social networks about the resurgence of parental conversations. And every year someone gives the gypsy girl a way out, no matter how tired she is and how much she can do. For many years I accepted all of this as it was and hoped that once accepted there would be no conversation. Naivety is my thing because last year a few friends and I got involved in college parent talks!

In my opinion, the only thing that can be discussed in such conversations is where to mark acceptance. But for some reason they discussed how they could order a cleaner for the hostel instead; They wondered what floor the buffet was on and whether the child student would have time to eat lunch; They explained how they keep warm in winter. To be fair, some parents were as surprised as I was by what was going on.

But I couldn’t understand one thing: What’s next? When will they give up these reins? And most importantly, do they understand that everything that is happening is already harming their sweet cake and their mother’s joy?

Last year, the Ministry of National Education and Science announced that 47 percent of university graduates did not work in their fields of expertise. Reasons include obsolescence of the profession, low salaries and lack of career development. But if the suggested options included “being chosen by parents” then this answer would be in the top five most popular.

It is already a proven fact that the current generation is more childish than the older ones. Psychologists and scientists have a starting point – this is the age of departure from under the wing of parents. And here we are not talking about the fact that the teenager lives separately, but about how much money he uses to support himself. If his parents bought him an apartment and he moved there, this is not about living independently. According to statistics, more than half of 30-year-olds still live with their parents in one way or another.

The question arises: Who made them this way? The parents did it themselves. This is super affectionate mothering, increased care.

One of the most popular memes goes like this.

– Mom, I’m going home. What to buy?
– Buy yourself an apartment and live separately.

And more and more often I see parents who laugh, but somehow are not very sincere. Because this meme is not a joke, it’s becoming reality. This is the post-irony of postmodernism.

The author expresses his personal opinion, which may not coincide with the position of the editors.