I do not want to talk

Some of my family’s good friends had a son named Alejandro. We all called him Jandrin. Some adults asked him with the kind of flattering affection used when talking to children:

– What’s your name handsome?

With a sullen gesture and a sly look, he would reply:

– I do not want to talk.

Her name was shorter than her answer (one word times five), but she liked to get their attention: well, I won’t tell you. If it is true that Jandrín does not want to speak, he should say his name and remain silent. Or don’t say anything. But what he really wants is to piss off.

The anecdote helps me reflect on this attitude of some people to be hostile towards others. An attitude that includes components of rudeness, contempt, and sadism.

I had a colleague from a department who was an expert in using offensive phrases. I remember one day we were walking side by side in a hallway and she said to me:

– Hey, what perfume does your wife use?

I gave her the name of the perfume and as I was wondering why she asked me, she told me:

• Telling my spouse not to buy it.

• Why was it necessary to point out that a colleague’s wife did not like her perfume (by the way, it was from the exquisite brand Samsara)?

• Desire to disturb. I remember that impeccable harshness in the criticism of a play. “So-and-so work by such and such an author was premiered yesterday. Why?” The question was devastating. What a pity desire. The harsh critic usually has two qualities: he is intelligent and he is malicious.

I never understood this behavior. A borderline demeanor is unpleasant, unnecessarily condescending and cruel. What is missing? It’s an attitude that responds to the motto: If I can cause trouble, why should I avoid it?

We’ve all met people who responded with a rude gesture or a sudden response rather than a smile. I saw an official trying to confirm that he didn’t have to give two minutes of information by the window for half an hour.

There are those who practice the art of complicating things, complicating the lives of others. For example, there are teachers who like to make their subject an impossible hurdle to bypass. The more difficulties they create, the better. The more intriguing they are, the better.

There are chiefs who like to make their subjects feel the spur of their authority. The thermometer of power is the pain they suffer in people they think are inferior to them.

There are doctors who, with the simplest interpretation, make you live in agony. Years ago, I had an anecdote that reflected this empathetic attitude. He had inflammation in his left knee just as he was giving a lecture to the doctors. In this case, the question of whether there was a doctor in the room made no sense. Because all of them were doctors except the sudden patient. I was treated at the Reina Sofia Hospital in Madrid. Back in Malaga, I made an appointment with a traumatologist, and while observing the series he commented in a perfectly audible voice:

– It looks like a tumor.

What do you think as a complete layman? Well, the diagnosis is so clear that there is no need for even the slightest test. X-ray later detected a meniscus injury, but I had an uncomfortable couple of hours. What did he need?

I would like to investigate the origin and reason of this attitude. How do you create this form of existence that consists of ridicule, humiliation, contempt for no reason, needless, almost never coming?

And I think it is harmful especially when it manifests itself from a position of power: from employer to worker, from teacher to student, from general to common soldier… Because that’s the case. It is also an abuse of power. Because the recipient of the hurtful expression cannot respond and sometimes has to smile at something very funny.

The basis of these attitudes is a history of sadism. And it is already known that the sadist enjoys inflicting pain on others.

– Hit me, said a masochistic sadist.

And the sadist replied:

– Not now.

Fortunately there are more people with another mood. People who make the world more beautiful and coexistence more enjoyable. People with lots of empathy, human love and compassion. They are open, friendly, people with a trusting demeanor.

A few years ago I watched a movie called “The Cider House Rules” by director Less Haallstrom. He deserved an Oscar for Michael Caine, who played the kind orphanage doctor. My special Oscar for the psychological configuration of the character. Because of his attitude towards life and the people he interacts with. For his tenderness in reading stories to children who are in bed at night. For her way of saying goodbye to them with a cute routine every night:

• Good evening, Princes of Maine and Kings of New England.

• Why are you telling us this, one night one child asks the other from the bed.

“Because he loves us,” answers the partner.

• And do you like it?, insists the first

• -Me. and you?

• Me too.

And they sleep with that voice, protected by that blanket of affection.

As I write these lines, I remember Anne Freud’s observation: “Children are better when they are loved.”

The cute character of the movie brought to mind another doctor, this Argentinean. My friend Basilio Makar, director of the Magisterio del Río de la Plata Editorial in Buenos Aires, told me about this. They were going to operate on their granddaughter because of tonsillitis. And he told me why they chose the surgeon to do the surgery after doing some research. In the previous consultation he addressed the boy and, with a good dose of intrigue and sympathy, said to him: You will come to a hotel where you will be healed. You have to bring a big bag, I’ll tell you why and what it’s for. We’ll all get dressed when he goes to the hotel. Your father and mother too. Then we’ll take you to a flying bed. And one of the people dressed there (he was talking about the anesthesiologist, his accomplice) will tell you many stories. He will tell you that there are many flavors of ice cream out there. It’s a lie. ignore it. It’s just strawberry ice cream. Then you fall asleep and when you wake up you’ll be fine and your throat won’t hurt. And now comes the reason for the bag. We’ll let your parents, grandparents, uncles, friends come to see you… but on one condition: everyone has to bring a gift. Otherwise we will not let them in. Don’t forget the bag. And it is great.

The surgeon gives the special phone number to the parents. And he says to them: If the child has doubts over the weekend, call me. Don’t talk to him about the operation. Keep calm, don’t convey concern.

Grandpa told me that the boy was very pleased with what he had to do that Monday. She was looking forward to going to the hotel with her bag. That doctor understood that he was going to operate on a child and not fix a broken machine.

I present two sides of the same coin, two opposite forms of being. One of those who want to be happy to be a source of kindness and become a hedgehog that hurts anyone who approaches.

In José Antonio Marina and Marisa López’s book entitled “Dictionary of Emotions”, a beautiful story about tenderness by Fernando Pessoa is quoted: “As I was walking down Nueva Alameda street, I suddenly noticed the back of the man who was descending in front of me. It was his back. I suddenly felt something like tenderness for this man. I felt in him compassion for the ordinary human vulgarity, for the everyday insignificance of the head of the family going to work, for his modest and cheerful home, for the happy and sad pleasures that life necessarily entails. for the innocence, the innocence of living without analyzing, he to the animal nature of the clothed. The feeling was exactly the same as that attacking us in front of a sleeping person. Another child sleeping alone.”

Why don’t we be kinder, why don’t we make our life simpler, easier, more beautiful, more livable? Why don’t we say our name with a smile?