The dynamic between mothers and their daughters evolves as children grow into independent individuals. When a girl no longer requires parental help, a new kind of relationship should form—one defined by the boundaries and agreements chosen by the people involved. It should no longer resemble the bond from childhood. Yet some mothers resist this shift for various reasons, and some daughters hesitate to relinquish the sensation of being a perpetual girl. This tension lies at the heart of the conversation. A recent analysis by Blanca Lacasa, featured in Scary Girls (Libros del KO, 2023), examines these rapports and argues that the mother-daughter bond, far from the idyllic stereotype often portrayed, can be fraught with toxicity and control. The author invites readers to consider what a healthier, more authentic exchange could look like.
“It’s a topic I’ve discussed with many friends for years. Whenever the subject came up, 4–5 people would share how similar experiences had touched their lives. Even strangers began to chime in, proudly, as if a weight had been lifted by speaking out,” Lacasa notes about an event that highlighted the depth of the issue on a local radio program later archived on Madrid’s M21 station. The program, titled La Flaneadora, could be heard globally via the station’s website until the council pulled the plug along with the entire archive.
“Though regional in scope, the outpouring of letters and messages showed how widespread the issue is, and many thanked the author for addressing it and challenging the worship of the mother figure, which carries a mix of light and shadow that colors how the material is read.” In the spirit of Fierce Loyalties by Vivian Gornick, Lacasa presents a perspective that resonates beyond any single generation or culture, suggesting there is much to discuss.
Created as a literary piece, the article weaves scientific studies, expert opinions, songs by Mari Trini, extracts from Jeanette Winterson and Esther Tusquets, and dialogues from films. It also includes testimonies from daughters who are now mothers themselves. The work maps how these women relate to their parents and highlights the enduring influence of those early bonds.
“The testimonies revealed a therapeutic aspect, so anonymity felt appropriate.”
At first, the author considered using real names, but many participants preferred anonymity to protect their mothers and themselves. The question then became how many individuals named Maria, Irene, or Paloma might be out there, each with a unique story. Anonymity, however, proved to level the field: it prevents a reader from guessing who is who, and it centers the statements themselves rather than the personalities behind them.
With these testimonies, Scary Girls disrupts a hallmark of toxic mother-daughter relationships and highlights the potentially harmful silences that accompany them.
Silence stems from various factors, including fear and blame. Many women carry a sense of failure, either as mothers or daughters, a weight used as a tool of social control that often convinces them to stay quiet. The result is a shared self-policing that suppresses anger or frustration, partly because male psychology has historically validated anger as a legitimate emotion while labeling it unacceptable for women.
Alongside shame, fear, and guilt, there is the expectation that women must provide care. For the older generation, not having children can feel like a personal shortcoming. Even with siblings present, daughters frequently become caregivers for their mothers. From an early age, the message is clear: women are born to nurture someone else. If they are not caring for a partner or child, the obligation seems to extend to the one who raised them. This social script often leaves women with little room to express anger, a constraint rarely applied to men.
“The book invites girls to rethink blame and consider constructive steps.”
These dynamics also influence how men relate to the concept of motherhood. Some men may appear more permissive and inadvertently reinforce idealized maternal roles, which can perpetuate pressure on mothers and sisters. The text notes a familiar celebration of a maternal ideal, sometimes expressed through symbols like tattoos, while questioning how similar expectations for fathers would be imagined. The absence of a clear, universal father archetype is a telling contrast.
Despite the intricate landscape, Lacasa expresses cautious optimism about repairing mother-daughter relationships. She suggests that mothers who are now shaping their daughters’ futures might consciously shed harmful habits. True progress requires mothers to release the pressure to be perfect and to acknowledge failures without reflexive judgment. The work also calls on daughters to move beyond blame and to explore what they, together with their mothers, can do to transform their shared history. Relationships between mothers and daughters are not fixed; they reflect the broader patterns of family life and personal growth.