How often do we see these standard phrases in advertisements for the sale of cars – “good condition”, “own mileage”, “requires no investment” … But as for investment, some put their soul into such texts, and it immediately becomes clear that the soul is invested in the sale item itself. Is this the key to a quick and successful transaction? Probably not always – the ad we want to talk about has been on Avito for a month…
But perhaps this masterpiece should be immortalized altogether. We present the essay by the respected Vladimir in full, almost without modification, and limit ourselves to point editing in terms of punctuation and other formalities.
All further text is based on real events… I will sell a chaise lounge for real masochists, BDSM people and just perverts. At full speed. Unrealistically persistent death pod. Numbers A403MH23 (abbreviated AMEN).
So I’ll start with my story. When I got the license it was 2015 in the yard. The question arose about buying a car: it should be unpretentious, maintainable, inexpensive, economical and not regret scratches, dents and just burn. The choice fell on this miracle called Oka. No one knows the actual mileage of this crumb, but about seven times along the equator. I personally covered these descendants of Satan 40 thousand km.
performance features
- Weight: 650 kg ferrous metal
- Wheels: R12, Landmine Resistant
- Crew: 9 paratroopers
- Payload: 2 tons
- Engine: 2 cylinders, develops 33 pony power.
- Consumption: highway – 3.2 l/100 km, city – up to 10 l/100 km
Equipped with an airbag, it is also a spare wheel under the hood.
After learning to drive, I decided to make a mini jeep out of it with my own hands. Everything according to Feng Shui: a half frame was welded, spacers – “houses” were made for the racks, and a stretcher, rubber bands, springs of the VAZ-2108 were installed. It became possible to put wheels from an ATV, so the baby conquered all the surrounding jeep routes of Novorossiysk, Gelendzhik and Anapa.
There were also long journeys – for example, Novorossiysk – Brest, 5000 km. There have even been attempts to conquer the Far East because when you are in this car it is common sense to leave your head completely, and now the thirst for adventure is pulling you *opy to get as far from this mortal world as possible. come.
Cruising speed on the highway – 90 km / h, without a single breakdown and traffic police stop. But I personally reached a maximum speed of a whopping 137 km/h, and I can confidently declare to all atheists: God exists! Although, according to Wikipedia, Oka can reach the first space speed and go into low Earth orbit, as well as deliver cargo to the ISS. (Negotiations with Elon Musk are underway, I will provide contacts).
The engine was overhauled because he ‘just wanted’. A new starter, carburetor, fuel pump, heater core, thermostat, temperature sensor, battery, pipes, VUT, clutch assembly, muffler, brakes, grenades, seat and mirrors from VAZ-2108, armor plate for combustion engine, shock absorbers, wheel bearings, handlebars, ball, steering wheel, roof rack, trunk floor reinforced, body in cabin treated with anti-corrosion, there is an on-board computer, LED bar, Bad boy hood and two new wheels with rubber (four money was not enough).
Tormozuha, ohlazhdayka, oil in the box; in the internal combustion engine – every 3-5 thousand km, G-drive 10w40. Everything done is recorded in a technical book with all prices. All buttons work, rotate, flash. Mafon USB, two speakers. The stove is frying so that in hell the devils are asked to make it quieter.
Its dimensions allow you to drive in half the lane, like motorcycles. You will also discover the possibilities of the LGBT community: driving along roadsides, making a third row on two-lane roads. You are envied in traffic and hated on the track. At traffic lights, you allow yourself to swallow the dust and remnants of your spare parts.
Even in the most criminal part of the city it will be invisible to hooligans. But as soon as you remove the muffler, you’re the center of attention: This insane roar of two infernal steam boilers, similar to the sound of an American muscle car (or a choking lawnmower), will not leave anyone indifferent, especially neighbors at two o’clock. ‘at night. And the sensitivity of your hearing aid drops to a gunner’s level.
I would like to look into the eyes of the engineer who made this engine. Basically, he snorted the 92nd benz, but experiments were conducted and it turned out that turpentine, solvent, aviation kerosene, xylene, diesel fuel with Galosha gasoline in a ratio of 3/9, B-52 cocktail, alcohol , gin . In short, anything that burns or tries.
If your fuel light comes on, don’t worry – you can still drive 36 to 73 km. And when you run out of gas, just open the doors and catch a breath of fresh air. Cruise control is installed: the rod rests against the seat and is controlled by pressing the accelerator pedal. Also, Oka can cure diseases, namely, scoliosis of 3-4 degrees, hernia, migraine, menstrual bleeding.
Machine and bit, and beautiful – hide nothing. But there was no accident, legally and according to the documents she is as clean as a virgin. PTS, STS, TNT, I’m the owner. Of the minuses: a crack in the windshield (a failed attempt to replace the rubber seal), after rain some water enters the cabin – a natural humidifier. On the left side of the board, the threshold is ripped open (hit by a landmine), there is a dent in the hood (filled with a birch), as well as small “saffron-milk mushrooms” and glue from stickers. The handle of the power window is missing.
In addition, I will give spare parts and anything that reminds me of them. Bible as a gift!
It remains to replace the gasket between the steering wheel and the seat! Now I’m going to work on the Oka and I understand it: all my childhood has passed by it. It’s a pity to scrap it, it’s not environmentally friendly to burn it, for spare parts it takes a long time, so only take it in its entirety. In light of current events and the price situation, this is the most profitable car option for both work and leisure. Spare parts are available at any supermarket and at ridiculous prices.
For the car is not ashamed – kayfovo. Those who like to negotiate and offer their prices – by. Selling a piece of my history and life. Please be understanding. All the luck and happiness! I have never regretted buying this extraordinary marvel of engineering thinking.”
If you’ve read this far, you’re most likely steeped in the history of the car and its owner to the core. It should only be added from the editors that this incredible (as we all now understand) car is now sold for 65,000 rubles.
- Other domestic tuning news: “Baku front-end” reaches a new (very high) level.
- “Behind the wheel” can be read in Odnoklassniki.
Baby, death pod, chaise longue for masochists, descendants of Satan. The stove bakes so that the devils in hell ask to be quieter.
