— What is resentment, where does a person get this feeling?
– Let’s imagine a situation familiar to many. You hinted to your partner with all your strength what kind of gift you wanted to get during the holiday, and even sent the link of the product. And here is that precious moment: you are standing and waiting, they give you a gift and it is not at all what you wanted. It is very difficult to protect your face right now, because resentment is boiling inside.
Resentment is a complex reaction that occurs in response to an external situation and consists of many strong emotions such as rage, rage, disappointment, and grief.
— It is believed that resentment is a manifestation of infantilism. Shouldn’t adults really be offended?
– Even though crime is still condemned in our society, this is a specific human reaction and it is not possible nor necessary to eliminate it.
One of the reasons why resentment arises is disappointment: a person dreamed of something for himself, and when he does not get it, he begins to be offended. In this case, we can say that in a sense the person is the “creator” of his own crime – he himself found it and was offended by it.
We tend to place our expectations on other people, so we have a habit of speaking in cues. Such high expectations for other people lead to “You owe me everything!” It can be seen as one of the manifestations of infantilism, psychological immaturity, which manifests itself in its position.
— What are the causes of this type of infantilism?
– The causes of mental immaturity may be different; The person may not have been taught how to communicate adequately with others during childhood, which can lead to second-guessing. If a child grows up in an unhealthy environment, for example, with manipulative parents, then inevitably the characteristic behavioral patterns of the parents are absorbed by the child.
However, it is worth noting that a person’s mere tendency to be offended is not a reason to evaluate him as childish.
The problem of resentment can also be looked at from the other side. There are annoying situations in life, and when we are treated unfairly, when our boundaries are violated, a feeling of resentment arises. We are also talking about expectations from other people here, but there is an important difference. When a person is childish, all his expectations are built around his own personality. In the case of psychologically mature people, expectations lie on the plane of social foundations and norms accepted in a particular society. For example, in our country, it is not customary for a stranger to talk obscenely to another adult, so this behavior can lead to feelings of resentment, and this is normal.
— Are there any personality types most prone to take offense?
– Yes. These are extremely sensitive people who react sharply to external situations. In this case, we are not talking about fabricated reactions intended to manipulate others. These types of people are more empathetic and take the situation too seriously. It is difficult for them to clarify relationships, so they are forced to experience these grievances within themselves, making their mental state more unstable.
At the other extreme are manipulators who use resentment as a way to achieve goals. These may be people who are often called “narcissists”, “sociopaths”, “egocentric”. If the situation does not develop in their favor or according to plan, resentment comes to the rescue, which helps to get what they want by “twisting” those around them.
Separately, we can also identify people who have difficulty communicating for various reasons. In this case, resentment may arise due to the person’s inability to discuss his needs with someone else, which may lead to various events in the interaction.
— Can feelings of resentment threaten your health?
— The accumulation of resentment is dangerous because it affects a person’s life as a whole, as it leads to general dissatisfaction. Sooner or later the cup of patience will overflow, which can lead to serious arguments with others.
It’s no secret that one of the factors that protect us from mental disorders is the support of loved ones. The more competent the communication, the better people understand each other and value their relationships, the higher the level of support. It is extremely difficult to achieve all this when we are resentful of each other.
— Are there situations when it is impossible to forgive the insult?
“Sometimes it turns out that the cause of crime is an inconsistency in values. For example, for one partner a kiss is cheating, but for the second it is not. Resentment is a completely reasonable reaction when a loved one is caught cheating, and it can serve as a reason to discuss the acceptability of certain forms of behavior.
If values do not coincide, it can be very difficult to forgive a person because it will require you to break your own foundations and change the boundaries of the norm. It’s up to you to decide if you’re ready for this.
It is worth talking separately about the situation when resentment becomes a way of manipulation and a means of achieving one’s own goals. It would seem that the offended person is the victim, and the offended person is the aggressor, but everything is not that simple. If we are talking about manipulation, the attacker hides under the skin of the offended person. In such a situation, the task of the offended person is to “bend” the boundaries of the “aggressor” in his own way. If you understand that you are being manipulated in this way, it is useful to open this issue for discussion, because this type of communication and interaction is unhealthy and unproductive.
– How then to forgive “authoritatively”? What techniques are available to forgive offenders?
– First of all, you need to talk to yourself honestly by asking the following questions. Why am I bothered now? For what exactly? Which of my expectations did not come true? What personal values are behind this situation? How much does the other party contribute to the current victimization, or is this entirely related to my expectations? How can this situation be corrected?
Many times, such thoughtful conversations can be enough. But if you think that this is not enough, try to calmly discuss the situation with the offender, without resorting to accusations. If it is difficult to cope with such a conversation on your own, you should seek the help of a psychologist.
— What is the best way to deal with feelings of resentment?
— If we are talking about a situation of unmet expectations, then you need to work with yourself. You need to ask yourself questions. Why were the expectations like this? Has anyone told me an objective reason for all this? What need is hidden behind these expectations? The more a person understands himself, his intentions, motivations, and needs, the less he expects from other people, which makes life much easier.
If you cannot cope with resentment on your own, it is worth discussing these feelings with someone, “expanding” the situation and thinking about it from different angles. You can also discuss your feelings with the person whose actions you feel offended. The difficulty is not to rush to him with accusations. Dialogue should be constructive, with the understanding that everyone is solely responsible for their own feelings.