Inés Martín Rodrigo’s (Madrid, 1983) childhood idols were Superman and Michael Knight from The Fantastic Car. She played soccer and asked the Kings for a Scalextric they never brought her (because it was expensive) and she hated dresses and long hair. On the playground, in the classroom, the writer and journalist today was one of those girls who, with all that she brought with her, was more understood to be a boy: malicious looks and veiled insults.
He didn’t know then that the difference between him and his classmates at that school in a town in Extremadura was even deeper and that, as the years went by, he would manifest in the way he loved outside of the norm. Her home has always been a comfortable haven for this difference, but one event inevitably shook her life: the death of her mother when she was still young. This tragedy condemned him to an illness, anorexia, which nearly cost him his life.
Decades later, the author, who won the Nadal Prize in 2022 for Las formas del querer, a fictional novel in which personal and family themes such as death, illness, and the legacy of the Civil War have already been tackled, felt the time had come. present herself in front of everyone as she is: a woman who loves and desires other women. A lesbian. The reason: he is fed up with a certain “invisibility” that surrounds him, but at the same time the political landscape points to dark times when the likes of him could see their rights threatened.
“This is not an activist text. There is no element of complaint. Yes, for self-expression,” he says, to explain his own homosexuality, a short and testamental book that he does not want to describe as an essay, but completes a review of his personal evolution towards the full assumption of his sexual orientation. The readings produced by a handful of women who were “different” before him, with movies or accompanying songs.
Therefore, in the text we find her impressions of Patricia Highsmith, Susan Sontag, Annemarie Schwarzenbach, Jodie Foster, Gabriela Mistral, Elena Fortún or KD Lang and others. Now a cultural pedigree, to which he has added himself with his original intention, can rely on references that are very hard to find for those who follow him.
Let’s start with the last sentence of the book: “Literature is also a commitment.” Is the commitment here more personal or more political?
Everything personal is political. This is a personal book and therefore political. It started out as a protest text that was not only social but also literary, that I needed to write out of my own commitment, and eventually evolved into a self-awareness text. Writing always reveals things about yourself you didn’t know. It’s happened to me before with fiction, but I’ve never written non-fiction, and I’ve even confirmed that it shows you more than fiction.
At what point did you realize that you needed to write such a book?
You always write the book you should write. Moreover, it is the books themselves that are presented to you. If you had asked a year ago, I wouldn’t have said, “This is the book I have in mind.” It is a book born out of a need. I started doing it when I was ready, I couldn’t have written fifteen years ago.
Does the fact that it’s showing up now mean it’s still necessary to talk about something so outdated that anyone can want or sleep with whoever they want?
I believe you gave the key in the “apparently exceeded” question. Fortunately, this is a country where gay rights are guaranteed. In fact, Spain is a touchstone in this area. However, we are living in a particularly critical period and I think we are not aware of how fragile these rights are. You have to defend them every day. And for me, writing is a very useful tool to defend these rights.
There are small political comments and fine notes throughout the book. For example, he says: “He was free before the term freedom was yet politically corrupt.” How involved are you in politics?
Even if we don’t realize it day by day, the way politics define us worries me. In recent years, we have seen the rise of the far right, not only at the European level, but worldwide. And that should logically worry us. I have a highly developed social conscience and I think it’s important to have it. This is how I was brought up. And I believe that those of us who are public speakers, no matter how small, should use it to stand out and express ourselves. Because we play a lot.
He even talks about the increase in homophobic attacks in the book. Was this climate a catalyst at the time of writing?
I don’t think I was aware of this when I started writing because the book unfolds very organically. This is the result of a conversation with my editor where we touched on issues like the increase in homophobic attacks and how I want to stop being invisible. It is true that this worrying horizon before us may not act as a catalyst, but it is a context that influences the book.
In the book, he talks a lot about literature as a sanctuary, but also as a mirror. In fact, already in his Nadal award-winning novel, he somehow used fiction to heal wounds from his past. This makes clear reference to the other major “problematic” element that has marked his life, his homosexuality. Does this complete a healing process, or at least for self-understanding?
Hopefully. I believe this will never end, just as we never finish knowing who we truly are. Literature helps me to know myself. I hope that now that I have spent the entire introduction of Las formas del querer answering the question of whether I am the protagonist of the novel, it is now clear that I am not. [risas], which was fiction. This book is mine. This book is truly an exercise in brutal honesty without which I would not be able to recognize myself.
She describes how cultural references play a fundamental role in her discovery of her sexual orientation: TV shows, movies, music, above all books. But also sport. What would happen to you without all these references?
References I should be looking for, eye. All these cultural, social, sporting references—I think the only thing without political references, curiously—were not easily visible. But I was lucky enough to meet amazing people who discovered them for me. It is very sad that a young woman who tries to reflect herself in the majority culture and cultural products cannot find these reflections. And when you find them, the few that exist are, I think, very perverse and very current references. Because there is not a single gay woman model. Just as there is no single model of a heterosexual woman. And gay women are very poorly represented in the culture.
In the book, she says she loves words, but it begins with a word that hurt her as a child: “tomboy.” Can words hurt like a knife?
Of course words can hurt. Just like words can make you fall in love. Therefore, we must be very careful when choosing those who will be part of an interview or compose a book. But also when it comes to interacting on a daily basis. And when we inadvertently use the term “tomboy,” we probably don’t realize the harm that word can do to a ten-year-old girl. Let’s take care of the words so we can take care of ourselves.
As she said, “tomboy” is defined by the RAE as “faggot”, not as a pejorative word. Does too much gender inequality persist in language?
In language, in society, in everything. And in the particular case we’re talking about, gay women face double discrimination: because they’re women and because they’re gay. From my point of view and my experience, gay men have a more recognized and recognized place in society despite discrimination. The gay woman is still invisible.
Is this disparity in language beginning to be resolved with greater diversity in RAE or are deeper changes necessary?
I think it’s a question of education, not of institutions. Education is a very neglected issue in this society. And I mean not only what is taught in educational centers, but even the words that boys and girls receive, hear at home.
There is now a generation of very young female writers expressing their non-normative sexuality more freely. Can you say that the situation has changed in recent years?
Yes, fortunately. I watch the speeches and books of these authors with pride and envy, because they can express themselves with a freedom that I do not have. I wish I had that freedom 10, 20 years ago. And I hope this continues to progress. Not encountering that dangerous setback from which we can begin to suffer.
In the book, she says that sex between women always seems to be shrouded in fiction. There is one exception: it mentions Carol by Patricia Highsmith. But what I’m wondering is, is there any overtly erotic work, lesbian sex, that impresses you or that you can recommend?
I understand eroticism in a sensual way. I don’t associate erotica with pornography. I associate it with a sensibility, it’s also obvious. And I began to explore the gay eroticism, perhaps in novels like The Pearl’s Luster that were written with an overt but still veiled title. [risas]. But I think so, let’s just say this was my starting novel.
He writes that when he realizes that he likes women, he finally feels comfortable living in his body. There, he connects with the death of his mother and the other trauma he suffered as a result, namely anorexia. How is the relationship between the two wounds?
The relationship I maintain with my body is very complex. It is true that in loving someone else there is a physical, aesthetic component in addition to the emotional component. And loving myself from that perspective has cost me dearly. How was I going to give my body to someone else when I didn’t even want him? But the disease acts as a catalyst. When I get medical discharge, I want to eat life, enjoy the second chance I have. And these two conditions combine, they come at the same time: the moment when I can love myself and another woman. This is not a coincidence.
She says she doesn’t like looking in the mirror though.
I don’t look at my whole body. But like I haven’t been weighed since the last time I was weighed in the hospital. Behaviors that you internalize that stay with you and help you survive. I do not look in the mirror, as I know that I must have a strict discipline not to skip meals. Nothing happens.
He closes the book by saying that he is not brave, but in reality he seems otherwise.
It is my refusal to believe that I am. But I’m starting to think so. And this worries me. The word I’ve heard and read the most since the book news came out in the last few days has been “brave”. And that says a lot about this society. It still amazes me that a person who decides to openly express his sexual orientation in 2023 is considered a brave person. The women demonstrating in Afghanistan are brave.
But the very fact of publishing this book means it’s necessary.
Definitely. But I never experienced it as a show of courage.
Are you prepared for the exhibition that comes your way?
Unfortunately, my life is filled with pain, suffering, and sickness, and this gives you the tools to face the bad times. On the other hand, it is also true that this is why I tend towards introspection, towards negativity rather than enlightenment. But I have a great life. I am very proud to be the woman I am. And you can’t imagine how many people thanked me. Too much is worth it just for that.